What is the value of experiencing intimacy and growth with a family... INVALUABLE.  What is the measure of meaningful relationship gained through the joining of parents/guardians in authentic vulnerability… IMMEASUREABLE.  How much is it worth to experience joy through laughter, tears, and relational repair… PRICELESS.  Given this belief, the relationship of the parent/guardian and the therapist is one of the most essential elements in the process of treatment. 

It is said that the entire family is in treatment when a student is enrolled, but does this really mean that parents/guardians experience the same impact of growth as the student.  The answer needs to be yes.  They need to experience the relational intimacy which generates emotional healing and authentic connection.  So often, parents are expected to “hit the ground running” and don’t receive the empathy and understanding which they truly need.  How can someone be expected give and give when they have not replenished what has already been given, even to the degree of complete depletion? One can only imagine the hardship and difficulties they have gone through to emotionally and physically be at this point (being separated from their child).

It is evident that parents/guardians are longing for emotional and physical connection. This very connection is what allows them to grieve what they have gone through and feel safe enough to begin to sort out the abundance of intense emotions stirring inside.  The relationship between the parents/guardians and the therapist needs to become one of those interactions which is safe, reliable, predictable, and dependable enough to experience this connection of intimacy and trust.  The therapist is to be empathetic and able to accurately hear the pains which the parents have gone through and experiencing (exhaustion, fear, work demands, other obligations, loss, guilt, burn out, sadness, anger, lack of support, etc.).  The therapist needs to go beyond the hearing and experience true acceptance through genuine sharing and vulnerability.  Coincidentally, this is the very same process which the student experiences in the program and with parents/guardians. 

The relationship between parents/guardians and the therapist is critical and serves to model healthy relationship (boundaries, limits, attunement, acceptance, etc.) and provide consistency and safety for the student.  To take part in such an intimate and meaningful process is an incredible opportunity.  Therapists at CALO know what a privilege it is to step into the lives of families and take the wonderful and often difficult journey toward connection. 

The following is a message written by one of our graduates, Andrew.  Andrew has since entered our transition program where he is learning more skills and tools to better equip him to live interdependently.  Andrew was in a few treatment centers before his parents found CALO. It's fair to say that prior to Andrew coming to CALO there was much uncertainty and doubt surrounding Andrew's future and his ability to be safe.  Now Andrew is on the verge of his first year of college and will be a long-term, productive member of society. His name and article are being used with his permission.

"The obstacles in my life created hardship and a lot of problems. Eventually it came to a point where I needed the help of residential care. After finding that the first two residential treatment centers I was at were not able to meet my needs, the decision was made that I come to CALO.

The biggest factor that made me agree with the decision was that I was told there were canines at CALO. My second day I was offered the chance to take one of the canines, Rikki, out to potty. At first I was unsure if I was allowed to, because I thought I would have to earn the privilege of playing with a dog. I was used to having to earn things in other programs. It turned out that Jeanna, the Canine Therapy Program Supervisor, saw my hesitation and told me I could handle Rikki. Ever since that moment I hit it off with the canines. They have been the cornerstone of my therapy.

Through parenting the canines, I learned that a lot of the things my parents did to help such as discipline and boundaries were actually necessary. This helped bring understanding and gave me the support to start working on what became a nonexistent relationship with my parents. I starting working with a canine named Jake in August and fell in love. He has been my motivation through my time here at CALO.

I have become quite successful in my own life now; I graduated the full-time CALO program and have been one of the first students in the transition program.  I was accepted by multiple colleges and I have an on-campus job working for Jeanna. Now I work with Jeanna every week and help other students find the joys of working with canines, as well as explaining how they helped me. I believe that these wonderful animals can help all of our students through their struggles, even if they are like me and unable to adopt and bring a canine home."

With summer in full swing CALO students are spending quite a bit of time on the water.  It has been a refreshing and fun change up in the recreational therapy curriculum to focus on communication while having fun behind the boats. 

By now most students have passed off their entire swim test and are working very hard to pass off each step of their water skiing test. This is not an easy test.  Each student has to complete the following tasks:

Having completed each one of these difficult tasks our students will then have the opportunity to choose their next area of expertise which may include wakeboarding, knee boarding or wake skating. 

There is a phrase that we use quite regularly here at CALO, “Every moment is a therapeutic opportunity.”  There have certainly been many therapeutic opportunities while teaching the students to ski.  Recently one of our female students who had never successfully skied before went out on the boat and refused to try skiing.  As she put it, “I am afraid of failing, and I don’t want to fail in front of all my peers.”  With some gentle encouragement and a lot of support from her friends she finally took the risk of getting out of her comfort zone.  She got up and passed off her one minute ride on her third pull. 

It is not uncommon for this type of success to become contagious and enter other areas in our student’s lives including academics, canine therapy and family relationships.  The arena is different, although the principles are the same.  Calculated risks taken under the supervision of trusted adults create opportunities for increased self concept and confidence.

Visiting programs prior to placing your student is a critical part of the decision making process. This visit should be utilized to help you determine if you and your child are a good fit for the program. This visit should not be taken lightly and should be an event you prepare for in advance. 

Key items to remember:

·          Arrive with an open heart and mind- leave preconceived notations at home.

·          Take the time- plan enough time for the tour; do not rush your visit.

·          Arrive prepared- create a list of questions beforehand highlighting specific questions for specific departments (academic, clinical, recreation, canine, admissions, CEO, etc.)

 Key questions to include:

1.      Ask how your student compares to the programs typical student.

2.      Ask why the admissions and/or clinical staff feel the program might be a successful placement for your student.

3.      Ask the clinical staff, what they believe your child needs to change?

4.      Ask about program ownership, how invested are the owners, are they on-site, how often do they interact with the staff and students?

5.      How accessible is the upper level staff (CEO, Clinical Director, etc) to you?

6.      What is the financial stability of the program?

7.      Ask about the programs specialties and specific areas of expertise.

8.      How did the program come to specialize?

9.      How is the direct care staff trained in regard to this area of specialty? Is training on-going? Are staff screened before being hired, if so, how?

10.  What treatment model does the program utilize? Does the treatment model utilized match the students they work with?

11.  How well versed is the staff in utilizing the treatment model?

12.  How will my child know they are cared about by staff?

13.  What is the role of the direct care staff?

14.  What is the role of the therapist?

15.  What is the role of the parent?

16.  How open in the program to family visits?

17.  How do students communicate with their parents?

18.  How do parents communicate with staff?

19.  Is the program licensed and accredited? If so, by whom.

20.  Does the program participate or have membership in professional organizations in their field?

21.  Ask for a list of parents (current and past) that you may contact.

22.  What makes the program different than all of the other programs out there?

23.  What is the ultimate goal the program is striving towards?

24.  What are the programs needed areas of growth or “weaknesses".

25.  Lastly, ask any question you feel would impact your ability to make a decision in regard to your students potential placement, no question is a bad question.

Resources- Below are some informative websites:

www.strugglingteens.com

www.natsap.org

www.iecaonline.org

In January of this year, the CALO Academic Department added Mr. Bret Garton to its team.  We have been very blessed to have him as he is an excellent teacher and has extensive knowledge in his subject area, History.  We now have even more reason to celebrate as he has joined the academic team full time and will be assuming a lead teaching position. 

Bret is a retired federal civilian employee and the current NCOIC of training with the 164^th Aircraft Maintenance Squadron, Tennessee Air National Guard, located in Memphis, TN.  During his twenty two years in the Air Force, Bret has been deployed to the Middle East during The Persian Gulf War, Operation Enduring Freedom, and Operation Iraqi Freedom. 

He possesses an M.A. in Ancient and Classical History from American Military University and a B.S. in Business Management from the University of Maryland.  He is a current member of Golden Key, and International Honor Society.  An Air Force brat, Bret has traveled extensively throughout the world, but says that there is no greater joy than being home with his wonderful wife, Yvonne, and their four very active children.  When he isn’t busy with family activities, Bret enjoys hunting, fishing camping and watching football. 

Rob posted a few weeks ago on this blog about our parent retreat. Since that post we have had some very nice comments from parents, students, and staff who attended. I thought it might be nice to hear directly from one parent about her experience at the retreat. I was struck in reading her email by how alone parents can feel when dealing with a significantly emotionally challenged teen. The retreat helped many parents and students recognize similarities and also helped to end some of the isolation they have felt. Here is the unedited letter from the attending parent:

"My husband and I both attended the CALO parent retreat and found it to be extremely helpful.  Our situation was a bit odd: our daughter had only been at CALO for 6 weeks when the retreat happened and she refused to go on the retreat with us.  We initially felt awkward being the only parents whose child chose not to attend, but we also felt strongly that there would be a lot to learn at the retreat and it would be a great opportunity to meet the other girls in the program as well as their parents.  We found this to be the right choice on all counts.

The staff were amazing and we learned a great deal from them. They gave seminars, but they also taught us important things with the activities they had designed.  The activities were all designed to build trust and closeness and it really worked!  We enjoyed the adults and teenagers on our team very much.  And although we were sad not to have our daughter with us it did give us a chance to watch other families try to handle the same problems we have had with our daughter.  The similarities between their stories and ours were both startling and very encouraging.

As the parents of children with attachment disorders we had all tried everything we could think of...we had read parenting books and tried lots of different parenting strategies and in spite of all our efforts our children were in treatment. During meals at the retreat we discussed these things with the other parents and it was heartwarming to hear different versions of the same stories.  So many of us feel isolated and confused and in many cases harshly judged by friends, neighbors and even family who generally see our children at their best and cannot imagine why that charming child would behave so badly for us. What in the world are we doing wrong?  We left the retreat feeling as encouraged as we had been in a long time.  The other parents were encouraging, the staff were encouraging and really, the other teens were encouraging talking about their own issues and improvements and their hopes for our daughter.  We are so glad we went and look forward to another retreat- hopefully one that our daughter attends!"

David Livingston grew up in Wichita, Kansas in a family of 5 including his twin brother. After graduation he attended college at Wichita State University.  David was married to Sheila and started his family working as a police officer in Wichita. He worked over thirty years with the Wichita Police Department and then relocated his wife and three sons to Southern California.  They lived in California for the next 30 years.  During that time, David and Sheila lead mission teams and medical missions all over the world through their ministry "Worldwide Compassion International".  Their work travels included Cambodia; Gambia, W. Africa; Bethleham; Sevastopol and Simferopol, Ukraine; Nepal; and Armenia, Mexico and Brazil.  David's work experience included Vice President of Wells Fargo security services.  David also owned Classic Wheels Corporation which provided antique automobiles made between 1907 and 1964 to the movie industry.   The 602 antique cars were used in many movies such as The Big Sting, Karate Kid, and Labamba.  

David and Sheila want to spend the next 20 years working with Christian organizations teaching familys to put their children first in their daily lives.  They believe that children are, "the vision we send into the future".

Love and relationship is incredibly challenging, amazingly rewarding, and often simply terrifying.  There are no guarantees and those that need to experience the love are sometimes the most resistance.  This is the case for many families that enter into CALO.  Parents have continually provided loving touch, words of nurturing, and care only to experience the child pushing away and engaging in behaviors which feels in direct opposition to the love which is being offered.  Many parents have verbalized their frustration at the pure irrational act of a child refusing to be cared for and actually doing something to sabotage the love which is being so passionately given. 

One parent accurately described the feeling as though, “The child is like a bowling ball with no finger holes.  No matter how much love is poured out or shown, there appears to be no penetration”.  The parent expounded and said, “Though I and others have saturated the child with love for so many years, it continues to run off the sides of the ball with no affect”.  This is clearly a very hurtful, hopeless, and terrifying place for a parent to be.   

How does anyone experiencing this not ask why?  Say to themselves, “Could I have done more or something different.  What has caused this that love and nurturing cannot overcome?  Why would this loveable being choose to hurt themselves and others around them? It just doesn’t make sense that this child received love, safety, care, and nurturing and yet they choose to make their lives so awful, difficult, and scary”.  These questions as well as countless like them come up in therapy constantly.  They are a normal response and a necessary part of the grieving and healing process.

It is an extremely bonding and healing moment when the parent can begin to authentically share these feelings with the therapist.  The hurt, frustration, anger, guilt, shame, and confusion associated with the child becomes a shared experience with the therapist and an intimacy which creates healing is formed.  These moments develop a connective therapeutic relationship from which the parents trust in the therapist to coach, guide, and lead the family into healthy, intimate, and genuine interactions.  As this relationship progresses, love and relationship become less terrifying, more accountable, incredibly gratifying, and amazing rewarding. 

I want to be bold yet simple in my message:  Individuals who don’t love themselves often believe God (or a higher power) feels the same way.

Let me briefly explain. CALO has students and families with a myriad of racial, economical, political and religious backgrounds. We love this and embrace this diversity. Some of our well-intentioned parents, many of whom were moved by spiritual and/or religious experiences, strongly encourageg their student to engage or believe in spiritual or religious practices when the student is filled with self-hatred and shame. At times, instead of increasing worth and identity, these attempts have caused a backfiring effect because the student was not ready for them. Subsequently, this has further frustrated the parent-child relationship and deepened the spiritual void in the student’s life. 

Please know that on a personal level I believe the spiritual identity of a person is an important part of emotional growth. The timing and approach are what makes matters delicate.  In my opinion one of the best times for parents to introduce spiritual or religious interventions is when a student reaches the point of desire.  Desiring to believe in something else, desiring to believe that there is more, desiring to find internal meaning, desiring to find oneself and so forth. Such desire often produces fertile ground for seeds of worth and spiritual identity to grow. 

I know these matters can be personal and sensitive. If you would like to discuss further, please feel free to contact me.   

CALO students recently returned from a very exciting rock climbing trip.  For almost three months our students spent a great deal of energy learning how to tie knots and anchors and utilize rock climbing safety gear so they could qualify to participate in an exciting team work rock climbing trip.  Although it was warm and muggy, and the bugs were thick, we had an absolutely wonderful experience learning the basic concepts of teamwork while overcoming different challenges together.   

So many times during our recreational therapy sequences the most therapeutic moments are not planned; they just happen.  This trip was no exception.  While camping with our boys we thought it would be a fun adventure to sleep on top of Sam’s Throne in northern Arkansas.  The only difficulty would be transporting enough water from the vehicles to the campsite nearly two miles away.  Students were broken into teams and assisted one another carrying the heavy seven pound water containers to the campsite.  Creative thinking skills were utilized as teams used ropes and sticks and teamwork to haul the heavy water containers along the narrow trail.  In one of the most spontaneous recreational therapy moments on our trip our boys show true empathy and consideration for one another as they struggled along side their staff to carry the jugs full of the life sustaining water. 

While working with our girls even our staff were squeezed as they helped girls overcome their fears on an 80 foot repel.  Although it took significantly longer to help everyone complete this courageous task, it was a truly amazing process to watch girls who had steadfastly made up their mind to refuse the activity, slowly and willingly change their minds and attitudes as their peers sat and talked with them and used their excellent teamwork and empathetic communication skills to convince their friends and peers to take that scary leap of faith and repel down a mountain.  With nothing more than a few miner scrapes and bruises our girls were able to celebrate together at the bottom of the mountain after repelling (some of them upside-down) down the cliff. 

Already our students are gearing up for summer, and that means fun in the water.  We are currently passing off our swim tests so we can enjoy activities and adventures in the ski boat and the canoes.  Students will have opportunities to improve and learn about their own communication styles and will be coached how they can more effectively connect with those they care about.