In my blog post last month http://caloteens.com/blog/post/Automatic-or-Manual.aspx I challenged readers to adjust their “lens” when interacting with difficult children or teens from, “this student is not trying hard enough” to “this student is dong his/her best.  His/her behaviors are adaptations.” 

How did you do?  It is pretty tough to take the perspective that when a teenager is wildly disrespectful, controlling, negative or acting out behaviorally that they are doing their best isn’t it?  In fact, the teen might also agree that they are not trying hard enough but not know why or how to change.  However, if we peel away the layers and see the behaviors (disrespect, controlling, manipulating) as symptoms of a deeper issue (fear of rejection, abandonment, need to feel unconditional love and acceptance) we can take a more proactive approach towards connection and healing. 

In tangible terms, when Sally is once again disrespectful and rude and you determine she is not trying hard enough to be polite you are implicitly declaring you have exhausted all of your teaching and parental guidance; especially if you then give her a consequence.  In addition, you are likely hoping that the consequence will magically facilitate intrinsic change.  If this is your stance, there is a possibility you may be correct—perhaps you really have exhausted all of the effective parental guidance, modeling, and teaching enough and Sally truly does need a consequence.  However, before you assume you have done all you can do, I urge you to pause and first assume the position of, “Sally is doing the best she can right now.  Her disrespect and attitude are communicating a deeper need.”   Your subsequent perspective and intervention(s) may drastically change if you do so.  You may be surprised if indeed Sally really needs more coaching, modeling and guidance instead of you telling her to stop talking that way, calm down, trust you, more consequences, and so forth.  Put frankly—is there a chance that you have verbalized what you want repeatedly but have not taken the time to involve her, coach her, or model for her what you expect from her? 

One of my favorite Chinese Proverbs reminds us of this principle: “Tell me and I will forget.  Show me and I may remember.  Involve me and I will understand.”   

In closing--keep trying!  If you shift your paradigm to “my child is doing the best he can” and allow your interventions to change, “let me involve him so he understands” I truly believe your relationship will grow deeper roots and your child will feel more love and acceptance. 

Please contact me if you would like to discuss this further.

Some of you are reading the title of this post and remembering a suspenseful thriller that came out about a decade ago starring Harrison Ford. The movie title, of course, took on double meaning in that there was literally something lying beneath the surface of the lake adjacent to his home and the main character had his hidden double life exposed. 

CALO families must also remember to examine what lies beneath student emotions.  One of the most prevailing themes of individuals who have experienced trauma and/or disrupted attachment is the apparent craving of power and control.  When one takes a step back and truly examines “what lies beneath” these individuals, it is not surprising to discover that a young person who had innocence stripped often lacks the ability to trust and form meaningful attachment to caregivers.  When a child believes they can no longer trust others s/he has a choice: wither away and die or find a way to survive.  Our students are survivors. That is the good news.  It is also the bad news.  Survivors often are left to develop core beliefs about themselves, others, and the world—“I don’t trust others,” “adults are not dependable,” “I must take care of myself,” “the world is unsafe.” As a result, survivors subsequently practice and develop talents of manipulating boundaries, relationships, and programs in order to continue to survive and hold on to their core beliefs.

With this quick attachment and trauma 101 lesson in mind, parents are urged to continually answer the question, “what lies beneath?”  When your son is sabotaging his relationship with you, what lies beneath?  When your daughter defies every boundary you give her, what lies beneath?  When you try to lead your family in positive ways and your adolescent is determined to be the one in charge, what lies beneath?  I propose what lies beneath power and control is usually fear and anxiety.  “Huh?” you may be thinking.  “My child is incredibly powerful and domineering in those moments and not fearful and anxious” you might also add.  If so, I will point you back to the reality that your child is actually a survivor and is trying to maintain control so their life is not headed for more heartache (loss, abandonment, rejection, depression, etc.)

“Okay, so what do I do?”  More...

Most parents desire to guide their children to healthy emotional regulation.  Some do this by raising the good through identifying and reinforcing positive behaviors, “Sally, thank you for not interrupting.” Others do it through discouraging behaviors, “Tommy, please stop whining.” Some try to do both. 

At CALO, we too wish to focus on healthy emotional regulation but one of the benefits of having the structure of an RTC is our ability to focus on the root of emotion instead of the surface (crying, sad affect, hyperactivity).  We call our approach, “permission to feel without violence.” At CALO, students are given permission to feel their various emotions—depression, happiness, anger, joy and so forth provided their actions are safe (non-violent).  Yes, we provide tools to assist them in regulating their emotions (Trust of Control) but ultimately, as human beings, we need to feel various emotions from time to time and have someone listen and validate some of those feelings (as long all feel safe).  Naturally, most people are most uncomfortable with negative emotions.

Here is a challenge for anyone reading this—the next time your child, spouse, or co-worker shares something emotional such as feeling sad, depressed, or angry, try to really listen, attune, and accept the person’s feelings instead of trying to make the person feel better. You will know when you need to provide feedback or create insight but first allow a safe environment to explore feelings—give permission to feel.