The following is a message written by one of our graduates, Andrew.  Andrew has since entered our transition program where he is learning more skills and tools to better equip him to live interdependently.  Andrew was in a few treatment centers before his parents found CALO. It's fair to say that prior to Andrew coming to CALO there was much uncertainty and doubt surrounding Andrew's future and his ability to be safe.  Now Andrew is on the verge of his first year of college and will be a long-term, productive member of society. His name and article are being used with his permission.

"The obstacles in my life created hardship and a lot of problems. Eventually it came to a point where I needed the help of residential care. After finding that the first two residential treatment centers I was at were not able to meet my needs, the decision was made that I come to CALO.

The biggest factor that made me agree with the decision was that I was told there were canines at CALO. My second day I was offered the chance to take one of the canines, Rikki, out to potty. At first I was unsure if I was allowed to, because I thought I would have to earn the privilege of playing with a dog. I was used to having to earn things in other programs. It turned out that Jeanna, the Canine Therapy Program Supervisor, saw my hesitation and told me I could handle Rikki. Ever since that moment I hit it off with the canines. They have been the cornerstone of my therapy.

Through parenting the canines, I learned that a lot of the things my parents did to help such as discipline and boundaries were actually necessary. This helped bring understanding and gave me the support to start working on what became a nonexistent relationship with my parents. I starting working with a canine named Jake in August and fell in love. He has been my motivation through my time here at CALO.

I have become quite successful in my own life now; I graduated the full-time CALO program and have been one of the first students in the transition program.  I was accepted by multiple colleges and I have an on-campus job working for Jeanna. Now I work with Jeanna every week and help other students find the joys of working with canines, as well as explaining how they helped me. I believe that these wonderful animals can help all of our students through their struggles, even if they are like me and unable to adopt and bring a canine home."

In my blog post last month http://caloteens.com/blog/post/Automatic-or-Manual.aspx I challenged readers to adjust their “lens” when interacting with difficult children or teens from, “this student is not trying hard enough” to “this student is dong his/her best.  His/her behaviors are adaptations.” 

How did you do?  It is pretty tough to take the perspective that when a teenager is wildly disrespectful, controlling, negative or acting out behaviorally that they are doing their best isn’t it?  In fact, the teen might also agree that they are not trying hard enough but not know why or how to change.  However, if we peel away the layers and see the behaviors (disrespect, controlling, manipulating) as symptoms of a deeper issue (fear of rejection, abandonment, need to feel unconditional love and acceptance) we can take a more proactive approach towards connection and healing. 

In tangible terms, when Sally is once again disrespectful and rude and you determine she is not trying hard enough to be polite you are implicitly declaring you have exhausted all of your teaching and parental guidance; especially if you then give her a consequence.  In addition, you are likely hoping that the consequence will magically facilitate intrinsic change.  If this is your stance, there is a possibility you may be correct—perhaps you really have exhausted all of the effective parental guidance, modeling, and teaching enough and Sally truly does need a consequence.  However, before you assume you have done all you can do, I urge you to pause and first assume the position of, “Sally is doing the best she can right now.  Her disrespect and attitude are communicating a deeper need.”   Your subsequent perspective and intervention(s) may drastically change if you do so.  You may be surprised if indeed Sally really needs more coaching, modeling and guidance instead of you telling her to stop talking that way, calm down, trust you, more consequences, and so forth.  Put frankly—is there a chance that you have verbalized what you want repeatedly but have not taken the time to involve her, coach her, or model for her what you expect from her? 

One of my favorite Chinese Proverbs reminds us of this principle: “Tell me and I will forget.  Show me and I may remember.  Involve me and I will understand.”   

In closing--keep trying!  If you shift your paradigm to “my child is doing the best he can” and allow your interventions to change, “let me involve him so he understands” I truly believe your relationship will grow deeper roots and your child will feel more love and acceptance. 

Please contact me if you would like to discuss this further.

I am currently in Boston attending a great conference on trauma/attachment. Just yesterday, since I was in the area, I took a stroll through the famous Boston Commons trying to get a photograph of an old tree. Presumably, this tree, much like the rest of this old city, has a great history and the backdrop of the famous Frog Pond, filled with ice skaters this time of year, looked like a good February-in-Massachusetts-photo. As I was trying to focus in on the old stump my camera would not click.  I tried pushing the button over and over with no luck. Finally, after I switched the lens to manual, my camera focused in on what I wanted instead of what it “automatically” wanted. 

Like cameras, each of us has a “lens” of life. Most likely we would rather “click and shoot” through automatic mode in our assessments, instead of switching to manual and taking the extra time to capture the bigger picture right in front of us.

Today’s conference, put on by the great folks at Devereux and Klingberg, drove home yesterday’s photography lesson.  Most of the time we all need to change our lens when dealing with traumatized children and teens to “This child is likely doing the best s/he can.  His/her symptoms are adaptations.”  Instead of dumping theoretical and therapeutic jargon by way of explanation, I will leave the value of this post with that straightforward and simple charge.  I will clarify more next time but until then, adjust your lens.  Please e-mail me or reply to this blog with your experiences or questions until then. 

Some of you are reading the title of this post and remembering a suspenseful thriller that came out about a decade ago starring Harrison Ford. The movie title, of course, took on double meaning in that there was literally something lying beneath the surface of the lake adjacent to his home and the main character had his hidden double life exposed. 

CALO families must also remember to examine what lies beneath student emotions.  One of the most prevailing themes of individuals who have experienced trauma and/or disrupted attachment is the apparent craving of power and control.  When one takes a step back and truly examines “what lies beneath” these individuals, it is not surprising to discover that a young person who had innocence stripped often lacks the ability to trust and form meaningful attachment to caregivers.  When a child believes they can no longer trust others s/he has a choice: wither away and die or find a way to survive.  Our students are survivors. That is the good news.  It is also the bad news.  Survivors often are left to develop core beliefs about themselves, others, and the world—“I don’t trust others,” “adults are not dependable,” “I must take care of myself,” “the world is unsafe.” As a result, survivors subsequently practice and develop talents of manipulating boundaries, relationships, and programs in order to continue to survive and hold on to their core beliefs.

With this quick attachment and trauma 101 lesson in mind, parents are urged to continually answer the question, “what lies beneath?”  When your son is sabotaging his relationship with you, what lies beneath?  When your daughter defies every boundary you give her, what lies beneath?  When you try to lead your family in positive ways and your adolescent is determined to be the one in charge, what lies beneath?  I propose what lies beneath power and control is usually fear and anxiety.  “Huh?” you may be thinking.  “My child is incredibly powerful and domineering in those moments and not fearful and anxious” you might also add.  If so, I will point you back to the reality that your child is actually a survivor and is trying to maintain control so their life is not headed for more heartache (loss, abandonment, rejection, depression, etc.)

“Okay, so what do I do?”  More...

One of the ways that we try to help families is by finding resources for dealing with issues while a child is still at home, or after a child has been in residential treatment. There are not a lot of that type of resource where a professional can come to your home if you live in a remote area. Even if you live near a big city, frequently there is not a professional around that is trained in working with trauma or attachment issues.  In an information age, the internet can be a tremendous help if you know what to look for. This post is meant to give an idea of where to go for some invaluable help from parents who struggle with attachment and trauma-challenged teens.

The organization is called the “Attachment and Trauma Network (ATN).” If you want to go to their website, type in www.radzebra.org. ATN was created by a mother who adopted some children who were struggling. Nancy Spoolstra was that mom and she was unable to figure out where to go for help. When she eventually found some of the help she needed she began networking in the attachment world and realized that many parents needed some support from other parents. Parents needed a place to look for answers. With that in mind she created ATN and it has been most helpful to hundreds and thousands of families since.

ATN is a true non-profit. There are many links and resources that are free on their site. If you want unlimited access to support groups you can try that out for free for a month or so. Joining costs $35 per year. I believe in what they are doing so much that I joined the board as a volunteer. Take a look at ATN and give me feedback about your thoughts.

In her compelling book, Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew, Sherrie Eldridge addresses the need for adoptive parents to initiate conversations with their children about their birth families.  I would like to share a few highlights on this important topic.

Adoptee Perspective

In spite of the innocence that adoptees portray, many carry a false burden of shame.  It would not be uncommon to discover the hidden thoughts of an adoptee: “Did I do something to make my other mom mad at me and give me away?” “I think my birth mother didn’t like me.”  “Was there something bad about my birth dad?”

Know that a mixture of feelings towards the birth parents—the birth mother in particular—is common with adoptees.  The feelings include but are not limited to fantasy, anger, victimization, and love.  More...