What is the value of experiencing intimacy and growth with a family... INVALUABLE.  What is the measure of meaningful relationship gained through the joining of parents/guardians in authentic vulnerability… IMMEASUREABLE.  How much is it worth to experience joy through laughter, tears, and relational repair… PRICELESS.  Given this belief, the relationship of the parent/guardian and the therapist is one of the most essential elements in the process of treatment. 

It is said that the entire family is in treatment when a student is enrolled, but does this really mean that parents/guardians experience the same impact of growth as the student.  The answer needs to be yes.  They need to experience the relational intimacy which generates emotional healing and authentic connection.  So often, parents are expected to “hit the ground running” and don’t receive the empathy and understanding which they truly need.  How can someone be expected give and give when they have not replenished what has already been given, even to the degree of complete depletion? One can only imagine the hardship and difficulties they have gone through to emotionally and physically be at this point (being separated from their child).

It is evident that parents/guardians are longing for emotional and physical connection. This very connection is what allows them to grieve what they have gone through and feel safe enough to begin to sort out the abundance of intense emotions stirring inside.  The relationship between the parents/guardians and the therapist needs to become one of those interactions which is safe, reliable, predictable, and dependable enough to experience this connection of intimacy and trust.  The therapist is to be empathetic and able to accurately hear the pains which the parents have gone through and experiencing (exhaustion, fear, work demands, other obligations, loss, guilt, burn out, sadness, anger, lack of support, etc.).  The therapist needs to go beyond the hearing and experience true acceptance through genuine sharing and vulnerability.  Coincidentally, this is the very same process which the student experiences in the program and with parents/guardians. 

The relationship between parents/guardians and the therapist is critical and serves to model healthy relationship (boundaries, limits, attunement, acceptance, etc.) and provide consistency and safety for the student.  To take part in such an intimate and meaningful process is an incredible opportunity.  Therapists at CALO know what a privilege it is to step into the lives of families and take the wonderful and often difficult journey toward connection. 

I have been going back in forth on what to email you in regards to the differences with CALO and where I am currently employed.  I have thought long and hard as to what to write about. More...

With apologies to MD's everywhere I would like to give a very short lesson on the brain and its development. I am hopeful that a short synopsis of some of what we know about the brain will then help us understand some of what can positively impact the brain in later, teenage life. So here goes:

The brain can be subdivided into three regions--the hindbrain, the midbrain, and the forebrain. The hindbrain is where autonomic bodily control is regulated. Food consumption, hunger, digestion, food search, breathing, various senses, etc. are regulated and controlled here. In general, the feeling of "I need, I will go get what I need" for physical well being comes from this area of the brain. The midbrain is where relationships with others are felt and where physical proximity is interpreted as good or bad. Touch with emotional meaning is interpreted here. To some extent, love is felt here. The forebrain is where cognition is accomplished. It is the part of the brain that uses rational argument, that formulates sentences, that writes in this blog and uses logic. It is the part of the brain that allows us to think about our existence in existential terms.

Various activities and life events operate more substantially on just one of these three regions of the brain at any given time. During early formative years, keeping a child away from food would activate his/her hindbrain and keep the child in a survival mode in ways that would adversely affect brain development. In ways, the child would become partly stuck in base survival activities. S/he might hoard food. S/he might run away and try to survive on his/her own. Another child who is given food, shelter, and water, but who is abused sexually from birth to pre-adolescence might then learn that sex is to be used in relationships to get what s/he wants. S/he might be promiscuous. S/he might always look through a lens of who has the power in any given situation and then try to align with the power players in the environment. Or s/he might try to always maintain the power position by intimidation and manipulation. That would be what s/he has learned from abuse and control.

The teens we work with at CALO come from situations where the hindbrain and midbrain were developing in abusive or neglectful situations. More...

Every so often we receive communication from former students and parents of students. It is nice to hear how they are doing and what they are up to. I recently received a letter from a parent whose daughter had returned home seven weeks ago. The parent was giving us an update and had this to say about his daughter, who I will call Julia. He wrote: “As of today, Julia has been home for 7 weeks. To date, we have had no ‘volcanic behavioral eruptions.’ Whenever Julia has been anywhere close to a meltdown, she draws upon the coping skills learned at CALO, which certainly includes spending time with her dog, Anya. We continue regular therapy with Diana Giest, the wonderful attachment therapist you met during her visit to CALO last summer, which has been helpful. Ken, it’s difficult to put into words how much it means to Mom and Dad to not have to be ‘hypervigilent’ in our parenting, to protect Julia from poor choices. At this time of year especially, we are thankful to you and your colleagues at CALO for their help and support. You do amazing work!”

That letter alone was quite kind and I am grateful for this parent’s words. That parent then sent a handwritten note from Julia. Here is that letter. Just click on the pdf below:

student EK letter.pdf (1.00 mb)

This was a “payday” letter and the reason we do what we do at CALO. Just wanted to share it with you.

I started my career at a Residential Treatment Center that was much more behavioral and "in your face." I worked to create a different paradigm on my caseload of girls and worked to have a much more relational focus. I am grateful for that early experience. I got some good training and began the process of creating a different kind of residential treatment that was much more nurturing. I would not want to go back to those old ways but, again, I am grateful for what I learned in that very different system.

While at that RTC I got to work with a young lady with some issues around self-image, communication, and anger. She also had a significant eating disorder that almost took her life. Working with this young lady, I will call her "Maddy," was alternately painful and exhilarating. We made some nice strides but Maddy could be emotionally abusive and destructive at times. All of us caring for her kept at it and after a year and a half or so Maddy was ready to go home. She went home but it did not go well. Lots of old coping mechanisms came out. We tried a tune-up at the RTC with mixed results. Finally, Maddy went to a therapeutic boarding school for another year. After graduating from there Maddy had some More...

In her compelling book, Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew, Sherrie Eldridge addresses the need for adoptive parents to initiate conversations with their children about their birth families.  I would like to share a few highlights on this important topic.

Adoptee Perspective

In spite of the innocence that adoptees portray, many carry a false burden of shame.  It would not be uncommon to discover the hidden thoughts of an adoptee: “Did I do something to make my other mom mad at me and give me away?” “I think my birth mother didn’t like me.”  “Was there something bad about my birth dad?”

Know that a mixture of feelings towards the birth parents—the birth mother in particular—is common with adoptees.  The feelings include but are not limited to fantasy, anger, victimization, and love.  More...