Recently CALO students and staff returned from a three day camping trip here on the beautiful Lake of the Ozarks.  The focus of our trip was communication.  As the students paddled from campsite to campsite on the lake they participated in different activities that required them to dig deep and utilize the communication skills they have been working on over the last few months. 

One particular challenge that went surprisingly well was the CALO cook- off.  Groups of four or five students were assigned to prepare, cook and serve different meals to their community.  It was entertaining to watch as students worked together to serve one another.  One meal that was particularly delicious was the fried catfish.  Armed with little chunks of hot dogs students fished late into the night when the big catfish come out.  Our students were able to catch enough fish to fry up and serve with Top Ramen. 

There were several hiccups along the way as students were forced to work through their communication issues while paddling their canoes.  Day two of the trip was spent paddling eight miles.  There were several frustrations that really challenged our students to work together.  Students became visibly frustrated with the heat, with the lake and with their own canoe partners at times.  Almost without exception our students were able to calmly, appropriately and respectfully address these frustrations and come up with solutions.  This allowed us to cover a lot of ground quickly leaving plenty of time for waterskiing, tubing and wakeboarding.

For our next sequence we will be exploring the relationship between trust and deception as we learn to fly fish.  We are confident that there will be many great lessons ahead.

I appreciate the positive feedback I have gotten from some current and former parents of CALO students. That feedback has centered around posts on this blog highlighting successes of former students. When I get such reports of success from parents, and students themselves, it is a job-satisfaction-enhancer. Our work at CALO can be quite difficult at times and to hear positive comments can make the difficult times well worth it. With that in mind, I have another email I want to post here that came in yesterday. The mother of a former student sent it in, and I have changed names only to protect confidentiality. This young lady, Sharon I will call her, had a difficult transition home and things had been very emotional and rough for three weeks. Sharon parted the family home for a few days and then returned. Sharon and the family had some trust to rebuild. They were able to do that work and proceed with plans for Sharon to enter college. That background will probably help make this post make sense. Here is the email:

Hi Ken:

I just wanted you to know that Sharon went to her first day of college and loved it. She aced the class and got a congratulations from the teacher afterward for her participation!

Of course, for the last three weeks her anxiety and her behavior had almost derailed everything we learned and achieved together at CALO. It has been really awful, to tell the truth. Not "it", but "she". And she had permission to get a job instead. Until she got into the car today I did not know if she would go.  But the dogs and I escorted her down the street and over to her school (5 minutes) and 90 minutes later came a triumphant phone call. Transitions are hard, we knew this, but this one was one of the worst. But she is there, now psyched, and we expect her to do well. Her experience with CALO'S dogs created  a serious interest in Veterinary Technology as well as teaching history. Who knew.

One more thing. Her boyfriend has been very supportive of her and has really helped her to remain on track with school! He was a calm voice all month long while she was totally off kilter especially the last two weeks. You never know how things are going to turn out.

We know she owes her success today, as hard as it came, to CALO and what she found there. She gets it too, and has also found a great therapist, and she is committed to that as well.

Take care, Julie

A few weeks earlier I got an email from Landon, our Clinical Director. He had just gotten off the phone with a different student who has been home for just over one year. She wanted to say hello. She is doing very well. Landon then sent out an email to all of us working at CALO. I have included it below with names changed:

Hello Staff,

Many of you who have been employed for at least a year will remember a student who aged out of CALO last July, Lori T.  Lori telephoned CALO today, as she has done a handful of times in the past 12 months, and we chatted for a bit.  I am pleased to report that Lori is doing very well.  She has held down a steady job working with kids and has strong goals and aspirations in her life.  She sounded genuinely positive and happy—still a touch awkward but you can tell she has really made strides in her interactions and relationships.  Her primary purpose for calling was out of concern for friends and former students and how she can help out—another great sign.

I asked Lori about Diva (her adopted CALO dog) and she said she is doing great but likes to eat too much and has gained some weight so Lori is going to exercise her more.  Lori asked about CALO, students, changes and about many of you staff and how you are doing.  She could not believe the growth we have experienced recently and shared she thinks about CALO all of the time.  She even asked if I kept a picture she made me before she left.  You can tell CALO is still a big part of her life.  Lori closed our conversation by asking that I tell everyone hello for her and “please tell them thanks cause’ I don’t think I did that enough.” 

Those of you wondering if you are making a difference may not realize it on a daily or even monthly basis but the seeds you are planting truly take root in their own due time.  Thank you so much for your efforts to bless lives!

Ken writing now--I really miss Lori and am so glad to hear how well she is doing. She struggled mightily when she first got to CALO. Eye contact was very poor. Touch in an safe manner was not possible for her. I couldn't even get her to give me a high five for a long time. She changed all of that in a most impressive way and now she is in an emotional space where she reaches out to friends spontaneously and appropriately. She smiles often and interacts well with those around her. She is not afraid of safe physical contact like shaking hands or a friendly touch on the shoulder. Given a safe environment with intensive therapeutic support and a solid clinical model and our students make massive changes. I love my job.

Theme:  Experiencing Healthy Intimacy

Thursday

8:30 AM - Parent Breakfast (CALO Conference Room)

     Please join us for a hot breakfast in the conference room with other parents as we discuss the retreat

9:00 AM - Parent Seminar – Landon (CALO Conference Room)

     Persogenics: recognizing, appreciating, & embracing differences

10:15 AM – CALO Staff & Students Depart  

Caleb, coaches and students leave CALO for Windermere in CALO bus

10:30 AM – Pack, Gather and Load  

 Parents, clinical, & leadership staff load gear in vans and personal vehicles

10:45 AM – Travel to Windermere

11:45 AM – Arrival & Briefing

   Briefing in the multi-purpose building

12:15 PM – Check-In

   Families check-in to lodging units

12:45 PM – Lunch

1:15 PM – Therapy Activity

2:45 PM – Family Time

5:30 PM – Dinner

6:45 PM – Parent Support Groups

   6:45 PM – Student Activity

8:00 PM – Campfire

9:30 PM – Family Time

   Families together inside lodging units

10:00 PM – Lights Out

Friday

7:30 AM – Breakfast

8:15 AM – Briefing

8:45 AM – Family Therapeutic Activities

1:00PM – Check-Out

1:30PM – Lunch

2:00PM – Slide Show, Feedback, End

2:45PM – Load Up 

Parents, students and coaches on bus and personal vehicles

3:15 PM – Departure

Parents and students not returning to CALO leave Windermere

CALO bus leaves with students, staff and parents returning to CALO

 Lodging Information

Family Lodging Unit

• 3 beds in each unit (1 full size mattress and 2 bunk beds)
• Running water
• Restrooms
• Showers
• Electrical outlets
• All guests must provide their own linens—sheets, pillows, blanket, sleeping bag, etc.

Clothing/Gear List

• Hat/Beanie
• Sweatshirt
• Rain jacket
• T-shirts
• Shorts
• Socks/Shoes
• Sandals
• Underwear
• Long pants
• Sunscreen
• Insect repellant
• Lip balm
• Toiletries
• Flashlight
• Wet wipes
• Hand sanitizer
• Appropriate Swimsuit
  • Women—conservative one piece
  • Men—conservative
• Towels
  
  • Bath
    
  • Face
  • Water activity
• Bedding
  • Pillow
  • Sleeping bag and/or sheets/blankets
• Sleeping attire
• Camera (confidentiality restrictions)
  • Only pictures of your student and/or staff (no other pictures of students)
    
• No pocket knives
  
• No weapons, fireworks, matches, etc.

We recently had a young lady graduate from CALO who had done tremendous work in our program. She arrived in a most sullen state. By her own admission, she was angry even though she came to CALO of her own will. She was angry at her parents for putting down an ultimatum that she change her very dangerous lifestyle and become an interdependent member of the family. No more selfishness and constant taking--her parents wanted her to love and be loved. It took this girl, I will call her Jill, quite some time to start to open up at CALO, but eventually she did. The change was simply amazing. Where she had been sullen and tough, she was now smiling and kind. At her graduation her father read a letter from her mother, who was out of the country and could not be at the graduation. Below is that letter with the name "Jill" in place of the young lady's real name. Nothing else has been changed. Here is the letter:

Dear Jill,

On this your graduation day from CALO, I sincerely regret that I cannot attend physically.  I would like to be with you to share in your achievement today, and hope you will understand that I am emotionally and spiritually present to support and applaud you in this day of success and achievement.

You have been through a huge learning process and transformation in the past 14 months.   You have grown in understanding and grace.  You have made great strides in controlling your anger, learning to identify your feelings and how to express them appropriately.  You now have a much better understanding of who you really are and who you can become in the future.

Some graduations are called a commencement, which can seem confusing.  For some people, they think of graduation as a termination, like an end or a finishing up a program.  When the ceremony is called a commencement, or a beginning, it reminds us that you are starting out new, equipped with new skills, to start life afresh.   Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

In this new journey, Jill, I know there will be ups and downs, hills and valleys, joys and pains, successes and failures.  Know that I love you and support you, even when you make mistakes.  I hope you find the strength and courage to persevere and continue on this positive road to becoming the woman who can surpass all obstacles.  Strive to become the very best you can be.  Keep faith in your Creator, however you view Him.  Whatever direction you are called in, work hard.  Guard against all the snares and temptations that will keep you from succeeding—especially self doubt.   I hope you do find the success and happiness you desire.

Love, Mom

Final note from Ken: We heard back from Jill just a few weeks ago. She is still happy. She is doing very well in a new school. She expressed gratitude for the time she had at CALO.

Being part of a CALO graduation is quite a remarkable experience.  The entire ceremony takes you on a journey of reflection, growth, gratitude, and hope.  It is always a pleasant surprise at the level of vulnerability and connection that the entire CALO family (students, staff, parents, administration, etc.) feel when a graduation takes place.

The ceremony begins with an explanation of the meaning of graduation and the value of what it represents.  This value is based upon the emotional and behavioral evidence that the student has been able to demonstrate through their ability to make productive decisions for themselves (Trust of Self) and recognize their own worth within meaningful relationships (Interdependence).  Meeting this standard of graduation means that the student has shown consistency with regulating their emotions and behaviors while being able to authentically repair relationships.  The students themselves need to feel that they have achieved enough proficiency and have the right skills and tools to live interdependently outside of treatment.  All of these factors combined with parents/guardians and students feeling genuinely “Safe” within the relationship (based upon time and evidence) and culminate in being ready for graduation.   

As the ceremony proceeds, the staff and students take time to reflect on the growth and progress the student, and family, have made since entering into treatment.  This is often filled with laughter and tears, due to the intimate relationships which have been experienced.  This reflective time continues with the parents/guardians verbally walking all present through the incredible journey which the family has been on.  It becomes a moment of authentic vulnerability and gratitude for the relationship which has developed/restored, and hope for things to come. 

The slide show then provides a visual glimpse into the student’s journey while at CALO.  The room becomes filled with laughter and awe as the range of photos go from warm embraces with canines to an intimidating rock decent.  As the slide show ends, the student provides their own reflection of growth, resistance, joy, and hope.  Their words resonate with all who can hear and the other students observing become motivated by an example of perseverance and growth.  

The ceremony concludes with the presentation of the Graduation Certificate and the CALO coin by the therapist.  All present instinctively applaud and a time of congratulations and goodbyes commence.  The graduations are a remarkable experience and become a distinctive moment of accomplishment for not just the student and family, but the entire CALO family. 

With CALO's steady growth there was a pressing need for another therapist on the clinical team.  After an exhaustive and careful nationwide search, CALO's clinical and leadership teams believe Evan Page was the best person for the job. Evan rose to the top of the hiring pool due to his integrity, thoroughness, work ethic, skills and passion of making positive differences in the lives of young people and their families. 

Evan joins CALO after relocating from Colorado where he completed his undergraduate and graduate work and launched his professional career. After completing his Bachelors of Arts in Counseling Psychology with a minor in Sociology, Evan worked at Doulos, a residential treatment center for teens in Colorado. There Evan mentored students struggling with depression, anger, self-destructive tendencies, and manipulation. This opportunity cemented Evan’s desire to counsel teens and from there he went on to received his Masters degree in Counseling from Denver Seminary. Evan is skilled in a myriad of therapies and specialties including group therapy, gang violence, family systems, couple counseling, parent-child counseling, substance use/abuse, addictions, grief and loss, social and peer influences, life skills and more.  Evan is also a member of the American Counseling Association and is Prepare and Enrich Certified.  In his free time he enjoys reading, hiking, skiing, and the guitar.

CALO welcomes Evan and we all look forward to learning more from him!

What is the value of experiencing intimacy and growth with a family... INVALUABLE.  What is the measure of meaningful relationship gained through the joining of parents/guardians in authentic vulnerability… IMMEASUREABLE.  How much is it worth to experience joy through laughter, tears, and relational repair… PRICELESS.  Given this belief, the relationship of the parent/guardian and the therapist is one of the most essential elements in the process of treatment. 

It is said that the entire family is in treatment when a student is enrolled, but does this really mean that parents/guardians experience the same impact of growth as the student.  The answer needs to be yes.  They need to experience the relational intimacy which generates emotional healing and authentic connection.  So often, parents are expected to “hit the ground running” and don’t receive the empathy and understanding which they truly need.  How can someone be expected give and give when they have not replenished what has already been given, even to the degree of complete depletion? One can only imagine the hardship and difficulties they have gone through to emotionally and physically be at this point (being separated from their child).

It is evident that parents/guardians are longing for emotional and physical connection. This very connection is what allows them to grieve what they have gone through and feel safe enough to begin to sort out the abundance of intense emotions stirring inside.  The relationship between the parents/guardians and the therapist needs to become one of those interactions which is safe, reliable, predictable, and dependable enough to experience this connection of intimacy and trust.  The therapist is to be empathetic and able to accurately hear the pains which the parents have gone through and experiencing (exhaustion, fear, work demands, other obligations, loss, guilt, burn out, sadness, anger, lack of support, etc.).  The therapist needs to go beyond the hearing and experience true acceptance through genuine sharing and vulnerability.  Coincidentally, this is the very same process which the student experiences in the program and with parents/guardians. 

The relationship between parents/guardians and the therapist is critical and serves to model healthy relationship (boundaries, limits, attunement, acceptance, etc.) and provide consistency and safety for the student.  To take part in such an intimate and meaningful process is an incredible opportunity.  Therapists at CALO know what a privilege it is to step into the lives of families and take the wonderful and often difficult journey toward connection. 

The following is a message written by one of our graduates, Andrew.  Andrew has since entered our transition program where he is learning more skills and tools to better equip him to live interdependently.  Andrew was in a few treatment centers before his parents found CALO. It's fair to say that prior to Andrew coming to CALO there was much uncertainty and doubt surrounding Andrew's future and his ability to be safe.  Now Andrew is on the verge of his first year of college and will be a long-term, productive member of society. His name and article are being used with his permission.

"The obstacles in my life created hardship and a lot of problems. Eventually it came to a point where I needed the help of residential care. After finding that the first two residential treatment centers I was at were not able to meet my needs, the decision was made that I come to CALO.

The biggest factor that made me agree with the decision was that I was told there were canines at CALO. My second day I was offered the chance to take one of the canines, Rikki, out to potty. At first I was unsure if I was allowed to, because I thought I would have to earn the privilege of playing with a dog. I was used to having to earn things in other programs. It turned out that Jeanna, the Canine Therapy Program Supervisor, saw my hesitation and told me I could handle Rikki. Ever since that moment I hit it off with the canines. They have been the cornerstone of my therapy.

Through parenting the canines, I learned that a lot of the things my parents did to help such as discipline and boundaries were actually necessary. This helped bring understanding and gave me the support to start working on what became a nonexistent relationship with my parents. I starting working with a canine named Jake in August and fell in love. He has been my motivation through my time here at CALO.

I have become quite successful in my own life now; I graduated the full-time CALO program and have been one of the first students in the transition program.  I was accepted by multiple colleges and I have an on-campus job working for Jeanna. Now I work with Jeanna every week and help other students find the joys of working with canines, as well as explaining how they helped me. I believe that these wonderful animals can help all of our students through their struggles, even if they are like me and unable to adopt and bring a canine home."

Rob posted a few weeks ago on this blog about our parent retreat. Since that post we have had some very nice comments from parents, students, and staff who attended. I thought it might be nice to hear directly from one parent about her experience at the retreat. I was struck in reading her email by how alone parents can feel when dealing with a significantly emotionally challenged teen. The retreat helped many parents and students recognize similarities and also helped to end some of the isolation they have felt. Here is the unedited letter from the attending parent:

"My husband and I both attended the CALO parent retreat and found it to be extremely helpful.  Our situation was a bit odd: our daughter had only been at CALO for 6 weeks when the retreat happened and she refused to go on the retreat with us.  We initially felt awkward being the only parents whose child chose not to attend, but we also felt strongly that there would be a lot to learn at the retreat and it would be a great opportunity to meet the other girls in the program as well as their parents.  We found this to be the right choice on all counts.

The staff were amazing and we learned a great deal from them. They gave seminars, but they also taught us important things with the activities they had designed.  The activities were all designed to build trust and closeness and it really worked!  We enjoyed the adults and teenagers on our team very much.  And although we were sad not to have our daughter with us it did give us a chance to watch other families try to handle the same problems we have had with our daughter.  The similarities between their stories and ours were both startling and very encouraging.

As the parents of children with attachment disorders we had all tried everything we could think of...we had read parenting books and tried lots of different parenting strategies and in spite of all our efforts our children were in treatment. During meals at the retreat we discussed these things with the other parents and it was heartwarming to hear different versions of the same stories.  So many of us feel isolated and confused and in many cases harshly judged by friends, neighbors and even family who generally see our children at their best and cannot imagine why that charming child would behave so badly for us. What in the world are we doing wrong?  We left the retreat feeling as encouraged as we had been in a long time.  The other parents were encouraging, the staff were encouraging and really, the other teens were encouraging talking about their own issues and improvements and their hopes for our daughter.  We are so glad we went and look forward to another retreat- hopefully one that our daughter attends!"

Love and relationship is incredibly challenging, amazingly rewarding, and often simply terrifying.  There are no guarantees and those that need to experience the love are sometimes the most resistance.  This is the case for many families that enter into CALO.  Parents have continually provided loving touch, words of nurturing, and care only to experience the child pushing away and engaging in behaviors which feels in direct opposition to the love which is being offered.  Many parents have verbalized their frustration at the pure irrational act of a child refusing to be cared for and actually doing something to sabotage the love which is being so passionately given. 

One parent accurately described the feeling as though, “The child is like a bowling ball with no finger holes.  No matter how much love is poured out or shown, there appears to be no penetration”.  The parent expounded and said, “Though I and others have saturated the child with love for so many years, it continues to run off the sides of the ball with no affect”.  This is clearly a very hurtful, hopeless, and terrifying place for a parent to be.   

How does anyone experiencing this not ask why?  Say to themselves, “Could I have done more or something different.  What has caused this that love and nurturing cannot overcome?  Why would this loveable being choose to hurt themselves and others around them? It just doesn’t make sense that this child received love, safety, care, and nurturing and yet they choose to make their lives so awful, difficult, and scary”.  These questions as well as countless like them come up in therapy constantly.  They are a normal response and a necessary part of the grieving and healing process.

It is an extremely bonding and healing moment when the parent can begin to authentically share these feelings with the therapist.  The hurt, frustration, anger, guilt, shame, and confusion associated with the child becomes a shared experience with the therapist and an intimacy which creates healing is formed.  These moments develop a connective therapeutic relationship from which the parents trust in the therapist to coach, guide, and lead the family into healthy, intimate, and genuine interactions.  As this relationship progresses, love and relationship become less terrifying, more accountable, incredibly gratifying, and amazing rewarding.